uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
