You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
