My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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