I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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