no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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