Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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