He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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