You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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