Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
