Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I want her autograph on my taint
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
