I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
