life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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