He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!