watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
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for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
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You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.