I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
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probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
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how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night