the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
