dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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