i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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