Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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