I molested 6 butterflies tonight
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
