we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?