The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail