don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
