I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
