nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
