Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
