i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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