I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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