You're my little dorito
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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