Cold hands, warm shart.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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