I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
