is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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