can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
