and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
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I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
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I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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