Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
