Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
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I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
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They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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