Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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