I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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