I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
