3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
