I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If I had your ass I would rule the world
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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