You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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