im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
