i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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