shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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