Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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