OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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