i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
