Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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