I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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