I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
