Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i will never coherently bang her
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
