upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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