Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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