i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
