I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
