This dress was meant to end up on your floor
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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