Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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