YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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