i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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